Why most communication advice fails

sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | January 26, 2025

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We’re drowning in communication advice these days.

“Use ‘I’ statements.”“Mirror your partner’s feelings.”“Just be a better listener.”

Sound familiar?

On the surface, this advice seems harmless—even helpful. But let’s be honest. How often has “just listen better” stopped an argument? Or “I feel” magically fixed a marriage teetering on resentment?

Here’s the problem: Most communication advice is overly simple, vague, or detached from the messy reality of life.

It’s not that these tips don’t have merit. They just don’t go deep enough.

Because great communication isn’t about generic tips. It’s about intentional practice. It’s about developing a skillset that makes you someone others want to talk to—and, more importantly, listen to.

So, let’s skip the fluff and get into something practical today.

1 Skill: Create depth

The most influential leaders—whether in boardrooms or living rooms—don’t stay on the surface. They create depth, connection, and trust with one simple strategy:

They ask better questions.

This idea isn’t new. In fact, one of the greatest communicators in history, Socrates, built his entire philosophy on the power of questions.

The Communication Secret of Socrates

Socrates didn’t lecture or offer advice. Instead, he mastered the art of asking provocative, open-ended questions—a method now known as the Socratic Method.

He’d ask things like:

“What do you mean by that?”
“Why do you think that’s true?”
“What evidence do you have for that belief?”

This wasn’t about proving himself right. It was about drawing others into meaningful conversations that uncovered deeper truths.

Socrates knew something most people forget: When you ask better questions, you don’t just create better conversations—you create real connections.

And you can do the same.

When a conversation feels stuck, awkward, or unproductive, don’t rush to share your thoughts or solutions. Instead, dig deeper by asking something like:

“Can you tell me more about that?”
“What’s the hardest part of this for you?”
“What do you wish more people understood about this?”

These kinds of questions do three things:

Show you’re invested in their perspective.
Invite them to open up in a way they weren’t expecting.
Build a bridge between their world and yours.

It’s not groundbreaking. But it works.

1 Mindset Shift: Stop solving. Start understanding.

The biggest mistake we make in communication—especially with partners, kids, or colleagues—is trying to fix things too soon.

We think our value lies in solving the problem or offering advice. But the truth? Most people don’t want solutions.

They want to feel understood.

When you shift from “How can I fix this?” to “How can I understand this?” you unlock an entirely different level of connection.

1 Action Step: The 10-Minute Listening Challenge

This week, practice asking one better question in every meaningful conversation.

Here’s how:

When someone shares a thought, resist the urge to respond immediately.
Instead, pause for 2 seconds. Let the silence create space.
Then ask:
- “Can you help me understand that better?”
- “What do you think would make this easier?”
- “How does this impact you?”

Don’t worry about having the perfect question. It’s not about perfection—it’s about presence.

Why This Matters

Great communication isn’t a talent you’re born with. It’s a skill you build, one intentional conversation at a time.

So, stop drowning in generic advice. Start asking better questions.

Because when you do, you won’t just communicate better. You’ll connect better.

And that’s where real influence begins.

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