Why "Just be yourself" is dangerous advice
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | February 16, 2025
You’ve heard it a million times: “Just be yourself.”
It sounds empowering. It feels authentic. But in reality? It’s some of the worst advice you can follow.
Most people hear this advice and take it as permission to stay the same. To avoid discomfort. To double down on behaviors that might be holding them back.
But growth doesn’t happen by standing still.
Think about it:
- The best leaders aren’t the ones who refuse to adapt—they’re the ones who evolve.
- The strongest relationships don’t thrive on autopilot—they require continuous effort and self-awareness.
- The best communicators aren’t just “naturally gifted”—they refine their skills over time.
Being yourself isn’t the goal. Becoming the best version of yourself is.
Why Oprah Winfrey Rejects “Just Be Yourself”
Oprah Winfrey, one of the most influential communicators of our time, didn’t build her legacy by simply “being herself.” She evolved.
From local news anchor to media powerhouse, Oprah mastered the art of intentional communication—adapting to her audience, refining her message, and continuously improving how she connects with people.
She once said, “The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success, but on significance.”
The most effective leaders don’t just show up as they are—they shape who they become. They refine their voice, sharpen their skills, and learn how to connect on a deeper level.
1 Skill: Adaptive Communication
If you want to grow as a leader—at work or at home—you need to master adaptive communication.
This means:✓ Reading the room before responding.✓ Adjusting your tone and approach based on who you’re speaking to.✓ Knowing when to listen and when to lead.
Rigid communication—where you assume “this is just how I talk”—limits your ability to connect. Adaptive communication makes you a more effective leader, partner, and father.
1 Mindset Shift: Authenticity Is Not an Excuse
There’s a difference between being authentic and being stuck in your ways.
True authenticity isn’t about stubbornly clinging to old patterns. It’s about owning who you are while actively working to improve.
- If “being yourself” means shutting down in conflict, that’s not authenticity—it’s avoidance.
- If “being yourself” means never initiating connection in your marriage, that’s not realness—it’s neglect.
- If “being yourself” means reacting defensively instead of listening, that’s not honesty—it’s insecurity.
Self-improvement doesn’t mean being fake. It means being intentional.
1 Action Step: Upgrade Your Default Mode
Instead of asking, “How can I be more myself?” try asking:
👉 “How can I become the version of myself that my partner, my kids, and my future self will be proud of?”
That version of you is already inside—you just have to build the habits, mindset, and communication skills to bring it out.
So here’s the challenge:
Pick one behavior you know is holding you back.
❌ Do you shut down when stressed?❌ Do you avoid hard conversations?❌ Do you assume your partner knows what you need instead of expressing it?
Commit to changing that one thing—not because you’re not “enough” as you are, but because you owe it to yourself to grow.
The Bottom Line
The advice shouldn’t be “just be yourself.” It should be:
🔥 Become the version of yourself that creates the life, love, and leadership you want.
