Stop hoping to be understood
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | February 23, 2025
A while back, I noticed something about the world’s most influential leaders, negotiators, and communicators.
They don’t just speak well. They set the stage before the conversation even starts.
Most people go into conversations hoping to be understood. They assume if they explain themselves clearly, people will naturally get it.
But the best communicators don’t leave that to chance.
They don’t react.
They don’t defend.
They don’t waste time trying to change someone’s mind after the fact.
In a recent coaching session, a client told me, "I don’t get it. I said exactly what I meant, and she still took it the wrong way."
That’s when it clicked for him. Clarity isn’t enough if you don’t control the frame of the conversation.
Most people think clarity happens in the moment—when you're explaining, debating, or proving a point.
But by the time you’re explaining yourself, you’re already on defense.
The strongest communicators don’t just participate in conversations.
They shape them before they even begin.
And once you learn how to do this, everything about how you communicate changes—at work, at home, and in your most important relationships.
Why Taylor Swift Mastered Communication
Taylor Swift didn’t become one of the most powerful figures in modern music by accident. She took ownership of her public narrative.
From country singer to global pop icon, she has consistently reshaped how she engages with fans, media, and critics alike. She frames her story before the world does it for her.
As she puts it:
“I think the key to being successful in any part of your life is owning it. Don’t try to make yourself smaller. You’re allowed to be who you are.”
By owning her story, she reframes her experiences, emotions, and even controversies in ways that strengthen her connection with her audience.
She doesn’t react to the world around her—she defines it.
The best leaders do the same. And this doesn’t just apply to business.
The best partners, parents, and friends don’t just show up as they are—they own the narrative and evolve with purpose.
1 Skill: Intentional Storytelling
If you want to lead like Taylor Swift—whether in business, relationships, or parenting—you need to master intentional storytelling.
This means:
✔ Taking control of how you present yourself and your experiences.
✔ Shaping your narrative rather than letting others define it for you.
✔ Using storytelling to connect, influence, and inspire those around you.
In life and leadership, storytelling isn’t just about recounting events—it’s about choosing the lens through which others see you.
→ At work, this might mean setting the tone before a difficult conversation so others enter it with the right mindset.
→ In your marriage, it might mean framing a discussion around shared goals instead of letting it spiral into blame or frustration.
→ As a parent, it might mean shaping how your kids see themselves and their challenges so they build confidence instead of self-doubt.
Swift has mastered this by turning her challenges into opportunities for connection. She doesn’t just tell stories—she shapes how people experience them.
You can do the same in every area of your life.
1 Mindset Shift: Reactions Put You on Defense—Framing Puts You in Control
Most people play defense in conversations.
They wait for criticism, conflict, or misunderstanding—then scramble to explain themselves.
But the strongest communicators? They don’t hope to be understood. They make it easy for people to understand them.
✔ Instead of defending a decision, they position it as a strategic move before anyone questions it.
✔ Instead of reacting to frustration, they frame the conversation around shared goals.
✔ Instead of proving a point, they shift the discussion toward mutual understanding.
In marriage, this might look like shaping the emotional climate of a conversation before it turns into an argument.
In parenting, it might mean setting the expectation ahead of time so there’s less resistance later.
This isn’t about manipulation. It’s about intention.
1 Action Step: Set the Frame Before the Conversation Starts
Before your next important conversation, ask yourself:
“What’s the story I want to set before we even start talking?”
Try this:
→ Before giving feedback, start with the bigger goal: “I want us to be aligned so we can move forward without frustration.”→ Before asking for something, frame it as a benefit to both of you: “Here’s what would help me show up better for you.”→ Before addressing conflict, position it as teamwork: “I know we both want this to work—let’s figure out how to fix it together.”
People respond to the way you frame a conversation, not just the words you use.
Why This Matters
The way you frame a conversation dictates how people receive it.
✔️ At work: Want to present a new idea? Set the stage by showing how it benefits the team before you ever pitch it.
✔️ In your marriage: Instead of saying, “You never help out,” frame the conversation around teamwork: “I want us both to feel supported—can we figure out a better way to split things up?”
✔️ With your kids: Instead of, “Do your homework now,” try, “Once your homework is done, you’ll have time for fun.”
Most people react. The best communicators set the frame.
And when you do that, you don’t just get your point across—you create alignment, build trust, and make every conversation more productive.
