On Fire or a Dumpster Fire?
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | April 28, 2024
On social media, you'll find me talking about how to make your life and relationships simpler by getting out of your own way. And for good reason.
Often, we're our own worst enemy.
When you have simple systems, processes, and habits, every aspect of your communication practice becomes more effective.
Ironically, sometimes I forget my own “simple” advice when it comes to my own communication.
Last week, I was reviewing my notes from a group coaching call with Taylor Welch, who runs The Wealthy Consultant, the leading consultancy in the online training and education industry.
Taylor said something that stopped me in my tracks.
"Optimize against your future regrets. That is the only harness to fear."
Whoa.
I started thinking about how people can do this to achieve success in their business and personal relationships.
Something simple.
(I know... communication when emotions are involved never seems simple)
Something easy to remember.
Something I'll use for my own success.
Something that can help you win at home and business, in that order.
Let's dig in.
Buy the Fire Extinguisher Before the Fire Starts
You've heard it before.
The best time to repair a roof is when the sun is shining.
You don't want to have to run out to buy a fire extinguisher if a fire starts.
Let's apply the same principles to our communication practice.
Build your emotional and intellectual communication skills now so you're prepared to put the fire out quickly when flames start to fan.
As I pondered what would be the most helpful framework for people to download quickly and implement immediately, I came up with something from my childhood (and probably yours too).
I hope this helps you.
Stop, Drop, and Roll
Remember this?
I know I'm not the only one.
It's a memorable phrase that helps you remember how to respond in crisis (when you're literally on fire).
But you can use this concept and apply it to your relationships.
Here's how:
Stop
Pausing to reflect before reacting impulsively is challenging for a lot of people.
But it is critical.
Follow these steps:
- Use negative emotions as a red light signal to think, not a green light signal to speak.
- Be discerning. You and your conversation partner(s) deserve it.
- Don't speak until you've transferred the negative emotion to a positive response. Think of this like your conversation fire extinguisher.
Drop
Drop your defensive attitude.
Drop your assumptions.
Drop the assigned meaning.
Hold your curiosity.
Ask questions.
Hold alternate perspectives as possibilities, especially if you disagree.
Roll
This is where you take action.
Clarity always follows action.
But you want the action (response) to lead to productive clarity, not reductive clarity.
What do I mean?
If you lash out, react, and reply poorly, you will still gain clarity through this action, but you also spread the fire.
When you don't repair the damage, the clarity you gain is worth less. (Not worthless, worth less)
The more you fan the flames, the more likely you are to miss a few burn marks with each subsequent repair.
And the more fires that take place, the more likely the structure will eventually crumble.
In the stop, drop and roll practice of an individual on fire, rolling is when the person rolls and puts out the fire by depriving it of oxygen.
In your communication practice, you're depriving the potential conflict oxygen so it doesn't turn into a conflagration (big word for big fire).
Optimizing against future regrets
What people regret over time are the things they didn't do.
Not taking the trip.
Not starting that business.
Not investing in themselves.
Here's your reminder:
Buy the fire extinguisher. Repair the roof.
Use this concept of stop, drop and roll to elevate your own communication practice before the fire spreads.
And send me a message and let me know if this helped you.
