'Just be more vulnerable' isn't enough
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | March 2, 2025
I had a conversation with a client last week that changed how I think about vulnerability in relationships.
He told me he was “doing everything right.” He was opening up more, sharing his feelings, and trying to be emotionally available. But instead of bringing him and his wife closer, things felt… off.
She wasn’t responding the way he expected. Instead of meeting him with warmth, she seemed distant, even frustrated.
What he didn't realize: Vulnerability alone isn’t enough. In fact, it can backfire.
We’ve been sold the idea that vulnerability is the secret to deep connection. That if you just open up, your partner will do the same, and everything will fall into place.
But that’s not how it works.
Most people think vulnerability means unloading their emotions, expecting connection in return. But real leaders—at home and at work—understand the missing ingredient: emotional responsibility.
1 Skill: Vulnerability Without Leadership Feels Like a Burden
The world’s most influential leaders understand this. Take Abraham Lincoln—often praised for his emotional depth. But Lincoln wasn’t just vulnerable; he was measured. He shared his emotions strategically, balancing openness with responsibility.
Here’s where most people get it wrong:✔ If you’re vulnerable, but your partner doesn’t feel safe doing the same, it creates imbalance.✔ If you’re vulnerable, but don’t take ownership of your emotions, it starts to feel like dumping.✔ If you’re vulnerable, but it’s always about you, your partner feels like they’re carrying both of your emotional loads.
Vulnerability should invite connection, not demand it.
Lincoln didn’t just share his fears during the Civil War—he turned them into fuel. He made space for others, showing vulnerability without expecting them to carry it. That’s the shift.
1 Mindset Shift: Vulnerability Is a Two-Way Street
Your partner isn’t your therapist. They don’t exist to absorb your emotions. They exist to walk alongside you. And that means balancing vulnerability with leadership.
The goal isn’t just to be heard—it’s to create an environment where both of you feel safe enough to share.
This means:✔ Expressing your feelings while still holding space for your partner’s.✔ Being open, but not expecting your partner to fix or carry your emotions.✔ Leading with emotional security, so your vulnerability strengthens the relationship instead of draining it.
When vulnerability is one-sided, it stops feeling like intimacy. It starts feeling like weight.
1 Action Step: Lead the Way in Emotional Safety
Before your next conversation, check in with yourself:
🔹 Are you sharing to connect or just to offload? Vulnerability without self-awareness can feel more like an emotional dump than an invitation to connection.
🔹 Have you created space for your partner’s emotions too? If you’re always the one sharing, it might be time to ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?”
🔹 Are you owning your emotions? Instead of saying, “You make me feel [X],” try, “I feel [X] when [Y] happens.” This shift removes blame and invites understanding.
The Bottom Line: Vulnerability Won’t Save Your Relationship—Shared Vulnerability Will
Real intimacy isn’t just about being vulnerable.
It’s about creating a space where both people feel safe to be vulnerable together.
That’s what builds trust. That’s what deepens connection.
And that’s what separates emotional weight from emotional intimacy.
Vulnerability isn’t the goal. Emotional leadership is.
